Hi! Hello! Greetings!
If you're reading this, then I assume you know me pretty well. If that is in fact the case, I love you and I hope you're doing well! If you happen to be someone I don't know, then I'm sorry, I don't know you. Don't worry there's still time for us to get to know each other. Regardless of whether or not I know you, you are free to read what is contained in this here blogamatronic machine I've built. I have graciously decided to forego using highly secure retinal recognition access restriction for my blog so that all peoples can read this blog, not just those whose eyes I know.
This bloggy blog has been something I've been trying to start for almost half a year now, but I never got the courage to just go for it. I considered some topics and did a little bit of writing here and there but always stopped when I thought about the idea of sharing any of my personal thoughts in writing to the people I know, let alone in a completely public medium. In general, I refrain from sharing anything about myself unless it's in a very private forum with people I know very well, and even when those circumstances arise I rarely will share anyways. A recent change that has allowed me to actually get going on this blog is getting past my fear (for the most part, I am still quite scared to share any of this) of being judged harshly, looked down upon, or ridiculed for sharing my struggles, insecurities, pains, and general feelings with the world. Furthermore, I have gained motivation to share more about myself after realizing how helpful and motivating it is for me to hear about the negatives in people's life along with the positives.
Far too often have I seen perfectly curated personas, both online and in person, where a person's greatest highlights or accomplishments in life are showcased constantly, but rarely is a truly deep struggle or issue brought to light, even in semi-intimate circles. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to share the negatives of life as it is scary and seems to offer scarce benefit to oneself on the surface. Many of us have been shamed, mocked, or even physically hurt in our lives for sharing how we truly feel or what we have gone through, which only furthers our desire to keep sensitive matters very private. However, this attempt at only showing the "good" and "nice" in our lives can lead others to feel as though they are broken, lame, or worth less when they are going through tough times in life or consistently dealing with personal struggles that they don't see others going through.
In the past year or so I have been going through some intense struggles in my life, both external and internal. Something I learned in that time is that I am one of the biggest perpetrators of presenting that I am very put together and satisfied in my life, even when I am struggling immensely. I don't think I do this consciously for the most part, but I have found I am very well-versed in accomplishing this facade. I started to realize how severe my masking of issues was when I had to take medical leave from my work and many of my friends and family were shocked to hear how much I had been struggling internally. Their shock made sense in retrospect, as I rarely shared anything outside of the more light-hearted struggles I was going through, but it was a big wake up call for me realizing that I struggled to share some of my darkest moments with those closest to me. I think hiding my pain and struggles not only harmed myself, but also attributed to the false image that I am a very successful, confident, and happy person who is constantly satisfied and sure of himself in life.
I realized in this time that I also struggle with my own awareness of my negative feelings and mental struggles, often due to me not taking enough time to listen to my brain and body to maintain awareness of my overall state. Given these shortcomings being aware of my own pain, it makes sense that there is room for me to grow in sharing what I am going through with others. I also have a theory that being honest with others and being honest with myself about when things aren't going how I'd like are closely related, so one of my hopes is that through practicing being honest with others about my struggles, I get better at being honest with myself, and vice versa.
While I am slowly becoming more confident and content with myself in life, it is far from a default state for me as I consistently struggle with intense anxiety, stress, self-doubt, self-hate, and bouts of depression. It is neither true that my life is pure suffering nor that it is pure joy, and I do not wish to convey either of those as truth. All I wish is to give a robust and textured view of what my life experience is, my struggles and failures as well as my growth and my triumphs.
In summary, I would like to use this blog to share relatively personal, sincere, and sometimes vulnerable information about myself and my journey through life to help other humans who feel like life is insane and incomprehensible, as well as to help myself grow in my ability to understand myself and to love myself and others better.
In the words of someone, it's not goodbye, it's see you later.